Think of someone you’ve met who always seems to be comfortable no matter the setting, who they’re around or what events unfold around them. Words like grounded, centered, calm, relaxed, rooted or confident might come to mind.
Most likely, their nervous system is primed for safety – it isn’t scanning around for potential threats, and it isn’t preoccupied with past or future stressors, so they can literally feel at ease in any situation that isn’t truly threatening. They aren’t likely to be triggered into road rage or to be too paralyzed by fear to voice a potentially unpopular idea.
A year ago, I would have told you such people are just born that way, and there’s no chance someone like me could ever feel so fully at ease. But today, I know better.
Today, I know that while it’s true that the lottery of birth plays a huge role in how our nervous systems develop, I also know how to build my own internal, felt sense of safety from the ground up. It might take time, but it isn’t particularly difficult once you get to know your nervous system and its needs.
Why feel at ease?
Maybe most people don’t live in a near-constant state of anxiety and hypervigilance. Maybe most people aren’t driven to behaviors like people-pleasing, perfectionism, scrolling, bingeing or drinking too much to achieve a sense that everything is going to be alright.
But if you’ve endured any traumas, if you’re neurodivergent or if you keep trying to reach for goals that only slip farther away, you are living with a level of unease that is likely to compound anytime you’re faced with change.
I speak from direct experience. I’ve spent my life feeling out-of-place, misunderstood and irrelevant, resulting in massive amounts of anxiety. To cope with the anxiety, I plan out nearly everything I do in advance and with a fair bit of detail – and I usually try to make it perfect. My brain tells me that planning and perfection can provide the predictability my nervous system needs to feel at ease. But it can also make my anxiety worse. At times, it can even prevent me from trying.
By going directly to my nervous system – using very simple somatic tools – I can create that sense of ease before I plan and perfect, and not only do the planning and perfection become less necessary, but I also feel more natural, grounded and authentic in how I take action as a result.
If I had known this a decade ago, my life trajectory would be a million times different. But hey, at least I’m learning it now!
Neuro-safety means possibilities.
With the ability to create ease in-the-moment and on-demand (this takes practice, but it does happen), suddenly making big changes, taking measured risks and standing up for my needs is not just a wish but a very real possibility. This isn’t a change in mindset; this is physical effort (a tiny amount daily) with lasting impacts:
I don’t have to think my way through every novel encounter to manufacture the ease I want; I can create ease in my nervous system then live from that place of safety.
That’s not to say I don’t plan and improve anymore (I really don’t have to perfect as much now) – but it does mean that planning and improving are no longer my primary strategies to create ease for myself and that I can maneuver in completely new, unplanned situations too.
Nothing has been as transformative in my life as training my nervous system – not yoga, not therapy, not relying on a social support system, and even though it pains me to say it, not even journaling. Combining nervous system training with any of those modalities, however, will absolutely turbo-charge your growth.
This is why I’m so incredibly excited to share nervous system healing with the people in my life. If you’re curious about how it all works, you really ought to join me for Friday's free workshop. Creating your own sense of ease – your internal, felt sense of safety – can radically enhance your life.
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